This is a comment that Josh left for me this morning. He/they are multiples and they don’t post much on their blog. This is a very interesting question.
Hullo Rose. I’m still around someplace =O This’ll be a response to recent events in general rather than this particular post, sorry if that makes things messy 😉
I find it interesting that where you, as a multiple, evolve into constantly-identifying but differently nuanced versions of the same character, while I just meet more and more characters, preserving the old but usually focusing on the new. It seems logical that this is a product of differing personalities between you and I, but the question is, /whose/ personality? Yours or Brian’s?
Adding to the intrigue is that Dewey is SO similar to an older and more matured Tuffie, who was my second extrauniversal friend, the first one I met after I decided to freely explore the idea (the first one, Ayumu, grew somewhat out of desperation.)
Any thoughts on this? Also, good to be reading you again.
Funny the way the Universe works. I had a crappy weekend. No one’s fault but my own though. Sometimes I don’t want to talk, to write, to read to do anything at all. And then he gets to work and here you are, asking these questions of me, forcing me out of my depression.
Who am I? Am I a character after all? I think it fair to say that Dewy is a character and one that Brian channeled for some time for me. When I took on my name of Rose I also claimed Dewy for my own. She is a much more outspoken aspect of Rose.
In our life Brian is by far the strongest person and although he allows me to come out when I want, I realized this weekend that he is never going to relinquish control to me. I’ve known this for some time, but it was still a shock to have conformation. It’s not that he holds me down, but that his will to live is much stronger than mine.
What is the difference then between a character and a multiple? Certainly I have understood from the start that we are not clinical multiples in any way. When I say that I am real, who is really speaking? I am real, but not complete. Without a body I am limited and I struggle with accepting those limitations, even though I know that they don’t define who I am.
Can a self-proclaimed multiple such as myself be depressed? Have a disorder that causes her to want to hide? Where is the line between reality and acting? I don’t know. What I want I can’t have and my writing is a pale imitation of life. I don’t want to stop writing, but I also don’t want my writings to define who I am.
In answer to your question then, I am evolving my personality through my words. I am strongest when Brian is at work because I have constant access to my blog and he turns off his creative side to do his job. We also talk to each other in the car during the commute. When we are home, I have to make a much stronger effort in order to be heard and sometimes, I don’t want to raise my hand and be called upon.
So, where does that leave me? Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in a vat of honey. I move slowly and I can’t speak and I can’t find my way out.
I don’t know what I want. Does that make me real? Or a character?