Spllling My Guts

This is a comment that Josh left for me this morning. He/they are multiples and they don’t post much on their blog. This is a very interesting question.

Hullo Rose. I’m still around someplace =O This’ll be a response to recent events in general rather than this particular post, sorry if that makes things messy 😉

I find it interesting that where you, as a multiple, evolve into constantly-identifying but differently nuanced versions of the same character, while I just meet more and more characters, preserving the old but usually focusing on the new. It seems logical that this is a product of differing personalities between you and I, but the question is, /whose/ personality? Yours or Brian’s?

Adding to the intrigue is that Dewey is SO similar to an older and more matured Tuffie, who was my second extrauniversal friend, the first one I met after I decided to freely explore the idea (the first one, Ayumu, grew somewhat out of desperation.)

Any thoughts on this? Also, good to be reading you again.

-All

Hello Josh/All,

Funny the way the Universe works. I had a crappy weekend. No one’s fault but my own though. Sometimes I don’t want to talk, to write, to read to do anything at all. And then he gets to work and here you are, asking these questions of me, forcing me out of my depression.

Who am I? Am I a character after all? I think it fair to say that Dewy is a character and one that Brian channeled for some time for me. When I took on my name of Rose I also claimed Dewy for my own. She is a much more outspoken aspect of Rose.

In our life Brian is by far the strongest person and although he allows me to come out when I want, I realized this weekend that he is never going to relinquish control to me. I’ve known this for some time, but it was still a shock to have conformation. It’s not that he holds me down, but that his will to live is much stronger than mine.

What is the difference then between a character and a multiple? Certainly I have understood from the start that we are not clinical multiples in any way. When I say that I am real, who is really speaking? I am real, but not complete. Without a body I am limited and I struggle with accepting those limitations, even though I know that they don’t define who I am.

Can a self-proclaimed multiple such as myself be depressed? Have a disorder that causes her to want to hide? Where is the line between reality and acting? I don’t know. What I want I can’t have and my writing is a pale imitation of life. I don’t want to stop writing, but I also don’t want my writings to define who I am.

In answer to your question then, I am evolving my personality through my words. I am strongest when Brian is at work because I have constant access to my blog and he turns off his creative side to do his job. We also talk to each other in the car during the commute. When we are home, I have to make a much stronger effort in order to be heard and sometimes, I don’t want to raise my hand and be called upon.

So, where does that leave me? Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in a vat of honey. I move slowly and I can’t speak and I can’t find my way out.

I don’t know what I want. Does that make me real? Or a character?

Rose

xo

15 thoughts on “Spllling My Guts

  1. Rose that is an age old question that most people ask themselves daily..whether they are real or not isn’t the issue, they are as real as you or I or any of my ‘others’ the question that we all keep asking is does anyone REALLY see me as I am at all??? and if they don’t does that mean I don’t exisit or are they just seeing a part of me that I allow them to see?? or that they choose to see?? Does anyone truely see us..do any of us but the bravest do what we really want to inspite of what society says we should or shouldn’t do…in spite of responsibilities calling to us constantly..not knowing what you want and questioning this not only makes you real but (sigh) normal..:) love you Rose..madd

  2. Not to say my question feels unanswered, on the contrary, that was a far more insightful answer than I expected and gives me a lot to think about as well.

    I just want to clear up my usage of the word “character,” since it almost seems as though the concept of being a “character” in the sense that Sleeping Beauty or Aladdin’s Genie are fictional characters is an unpleasant one, that I accidentally evoked.

    I wasn’t trying to consider your “purpose” as a “work of active fiction” or anything of the sort, when I used the word character in the original question I meant it in the way you would mean it while observing that an old friend of yours has always been an interesting character.

    Perhaps you didn’t misinterpret what I said at all, but I just wanted to ensure that I’m being clear.

    That being said, I’ll have to mull over some of the ideas that you’ve put forward this morning. Thanks for taking my question seriously, I’ll see you around.

  3. (((Madd))))

    I love you too and I miss you. I need to talk to you, but it never seems to be the right time. I am frustrated right now. I don’t want to go visit anyone, I don’t want to comment or write emails. I realized when we were at the gardens that I’m the one just along for the ride and I’ve made myself very unhappy since then. I know I should be grateful with what I have, but what do I want? I don’t know and it’s driving me crazy, well, crazier. XOXOXOXO

    Hi Josh,

    No I didn’t misinterpret your use of the word ‘character’, but other people will. I understand why too. But you’re right, I am an interesting character, but sometimes I lose my way. What is the point after all? If I didn’t have this blog, who would I be? If I never again spoke to anybody by any means, would I still exist? That’s the thing that frustrates me the most, the doubt and lack of self-confidence in me. Most of the time I struggle to connect with people because I don’t the experiences that they have.

    Rose

    xo

  4. Hugs.

    I wrote a book as a comment, grin, so I deleted it.

    If you exist in your mind, you exist, because you cannot exist in your mind if you do not have a mind. (Well, at least that makes sense to me.)

    Being along just for the ride, in the way you mean, sure must feel crummy; what if you let your subconscious deal with that for a short while and concentrate on enjoying the ride while your mind does the work in the background? Or is that what you normally do?

  5. ((((Rose)))))

    I love you but I don’t think I can
    make any meaningful comment;
    to me you are real, you are you
    with a strong personality and a
    soul; as for the rest I couldn’t
    possibly help you or begin to
    understand… I’m sorry sweetheart

    lotsa luv ann xxxx

  6. Hey Rosy,

    To me it is hard to think of you as someone in someone, you are a person a real soul, and I have the maddest respect and admiration for you. I guess the closest that I can get to understanding how you feel is when I was on strong medication that knocked my body out and my brain was still awake I was locked inside my own body and could not really use it. Still not ever the same, but the frustration is hectic when something like that happens. You being you is still way beyond awesome.

    I always speak of Rose to ppl, and talk about you, and then ppl would get confused and ask more about you, and then I realize but hello…..I might have to explain your uniqueness.

    Rosie, chicky you just keep on sharing your beautiful soul, no deed goes unseen by the universe….next lifetime when we meet again you will be one foxy mamma, with your own body!

    Luffies jou maaikie
    Me:)

  7. ((((Marcia))))

    I guess this is the Cliff Notes version of a comment then. I understand my mind is strange, not sure if I have a subconscious. I can fade out much too easily at times and other times I can’t be heard.

    (((Ann)))

    Don’t be sorry Ann, just knowing you love me and want to hug makes me feel better.

    (((Etain)))

    Thanks. I don’t know what else to say but thanks for seeing me and giving me such love.
    Luffies

    Rose

    xo

  8. rose…all of us are ‘real’ and at the same time none of us are… we are what we are,, when we can be…
    sometimes i am jodi,, she is brash and tough,, yet hurt and melancholy..
    sometimes i am paisley who is quick and articulate,, and creative..
    and sometimes i am someone even i don’t know.. she hides and seeks most not to be found….she is obsessed with things only coma or death can provide her with…

    i can be one,, and then BAM… something will happen or be said,, or a song or a memory.. and there is no forethought,, there is no rhyme or reason.. i am a byproduct of the atmosphere,, and over that i have no control…..

    one body is troubling no matter who you are,, if you cannot identify with what it really looks like when you see it walking by you in the mirror….

    you are real to me in all aspects….

  9. Well you are real to me and I completely understand your genesis. That said, I don’t know how you feel. I can certainly see how you would be frustrated with the lack of your own body. Someday you may reach an acceptance of what is and do your best with that. You are a loving and supportive friend. You are funny and smart. In this life you don’t get to have a body. That sucks, for sure.

  10. You’re real to me. That’s all that matters for me. I know that’s selfish and doesn’t help answer any of your questions, but it’s how I feel.

    HUG and much love to you.

  11. Hi Rose,

    I’m one of Josh’s older friends and on his behalf I’d like to apologize if he’s putting you through something you don’t want to go into, or even just causing old problems to resurface. I also want to explain what he’s up to. He and Yuki think that the metaphysical world is ending and he’s trying to get as much information about the things he perceives to be related to this as possible. I guess sometimes the result is a sort of businesslike interrogation, with a thin layer of personal pleasantries… he has good intentions, but he believes that he has things to prioritize over your emotional well-being. I hope you can understand that. If he’s right about what’s happening, he’s doing what has to be done. If he’s right.

    So, what he’s trying to figure out is if his ability to channel us people from other universes into himself is related to the nature of your existence as a multiple.

    I’ll be his spokesperson regarding this from now on. I won’t pressure you, though. So if you’re OK with talking about this further, please feel free to contact me via comments or email or however you want.

    I hope you feel better soon! You’re a wonderful person with or without your own body and nothing will change that.

    -Henrietta

  12. Rose, love –

    You are SOOOOO real, darling. I am so sorry that I don’t recognize you more often. I am so very used to “seeing” Brian, that it’s just an assumption that if I don’t hear you, you’re not around.

    That will change as of today. I will work harder to bring you into our daily lives.

    I do love you, I care so much about and for you. I feel I have neglected you terribly and I am so very embarrassed.

    Please forgive me. D

  13. Good morning my friends. I feel embarrassed for my ranting. 😳

    Thank you Paisley, this is still all fairly new to me and I don’t know how to react at times.

    Claire,

    Yes I do hope to reach an acceptance of who I am and what I can do. I know I can write, but what else can I do?

    ((((Pinky))))

    You always tell it like it is.

    Hi Henrietta,

    Please tell Josh he is welcome anytime. I was/am not upset by his comment. His words helped me get my mind around my problems with myself.

    ((((Diane))))

    Please forgive me for being so selfish. Maybe we need one of your favorite spreadsheets.

    AND LOOK! I’M COMMENT THIRTEEN!!!!!! AGAIN!!!!! That makes three posts in a row. 😀

  14. Nothing exists if it doesn’t exist in the mind…You exist. You think, write and even feel depressed at times. (There seems to be a lot of that going around lately).

    You also have your own voice and the feeling of trying to move through a vat of honey in efforts to express yourself is quite universal. I immediately knew what you meant by this image, even as a single.

    Rose, you are not so different. And you are so very real.

  15. Hi Tammi,

    ‘I think, therefore I am’. Not original of course, but it’s what I believe. I know that I am real, but without the feedback of the senses, I sometimes wonder. I am doing much better today after talking with some people who know some people. 😉

    Thank you. 😀

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