Beyond reason lies contentment

Bored
Habit
Settle

________________________________________________________

August 20th, 2008. Florida

Dear Diary #10,

Back into habit I slide, settle for what is now and not what might be. Posting on my blog once or maybe twice a week I am not bored; not content exactly despite my justifications. A tiny sliver of life and experiences many such as I have never had does not mean a separate existence. But then again who knows what will happen tomorrow for I do want to be her.

Rose

xo

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Pondering stuff and sipping whiskey

July 11th, 2008. Florida

Dear Diary #9,

As all of you know, or should know, Brian has taken up the Friday prompt vacancy left by the Writers Island summer hiatus and created the Rockin’ Chair Writers prompts. Seeing as he wanted us to sit in the chair, tell us what’s really on our minds and spin a tale or two, I’m only too happy to oblige. 😉

You’ll have to pardon the mess around here, I’ve only returned recently from my side trip into… I won’t say despair (even though it was) but into reflection and introspection. It is after all needed at intervals to retreat and take stock of your situation. It might be internal retreat as it is for me or an external retreat such as meditation at a center. But whatever your choice, staying focused and balanced on your needs is always difficult when so many others are pulling you in so many different directions.

Now this is not an “Ask Rose” post because I’m no expert (Dewy is, but that’s a whole other story) and I’m not here to tell you what to do; that would be presumptuous on my part. Is that chair comfortable? I try to be a gracious hostess at all times. Lemonade? Anyone? Or whiskey? As I was saying I’ve stabilized in the last few weeks to where I can actually talk again and write and squeeze some enjoyment out of life. My balance is between blogging, writing my books and talking out loud while keeping the dark corners in the corner instead of sitting there. So that’s my take about what’s really on my mind.

Rose

xo

Weekend spent Burning up the keyboard

July 7th, 2008 Florida.

Dear Diary #8,

It’s a Manic Monday with a stripe prompt. It’s certainly qualifies for a manic three day weekend for me. Friday I worked on my “Knickers Abroad” draft, all told another three complete edits this weekend and I’m over 73,000 words now. The action really started on Saturday though. The Tour de France rolled off at 8:30 am on VERSUS and we were all keenly watching the action, while at commercial breaks, I was back on the computer writing. Once Stage 1 finished as planned I took Diane out to lunch. The thing was that Diane didn’t feel like driving and I decided it was about time I took the wheel. Did you know that the yellow and white stripe on the road means something?

Just kidding, the speed limit in our community is only 35 mph at the highest so I was very careful. Had a great brunch, had a chicken crepe, as you know Brian is a vegetarian but I’m not. (If you’re new here now would be a good time to read my banner and pages.) After lunch I drove to a bookstore were I was looking for comparable and competing books to my manuscript. Didn’t really find many when we got back home safe and sound, I went online to find some books. Spent the rest of Saturday writing up until dinnertime. Sunday was more of the same, the Tour in the morning and writing in the afternoon. I finished my book proposal which is needed for all non-fiction projects and I am ready to send off the agent query letter this week.

Ann called after dinner and we chatted for a bit. I told her that Brian felt great all weekend with me being out front and in control. I’ve known since the beginning that his CFS doesn’t affect me, but he told me each evening that it felt like he’d been asleep all day. I also mentioned to Ann another concept of multiple personalities I’d been thinking about for the last two years. If brain scans of female and male brains are different, could our brain show distinct and verifiable differences when Brian does specific activities as compared to when I do the same activities? Would that prove that multiple personalities are real? Something to ponder instead of lashing stripes on the backs of those that don’t fit the norms.

Not that any of you do that, I’m just saying. 🙂

Rose

xo

A Celebration of what’s Good in my life

July 4th, 2008. Florida

Dear Diary #7,

I am once more on the mend and writing and taking an interest in my life. At the Writers Island Rob has chosen to no longer provide Friday prompts in order to focus on family and writing. In ‘Celebration’ though and with Brian’s prompt asking to write about something ‘Good’ I am posting my agent query letter that I will be sending off next week. Have a great weekend everyone and hug someone you love.

Rose

xo

Dear ___________,

My name is Rose and “Knickers Abroad; a multiple journey” is unlike any book in the current marketplace, introducing an exciting new voice for today’s busy world. After reading your bio on Publishers Marketplace and your __________ at ____________________, I feel that my story suits your particular requirements. To say that my first book is unusual and unexpected would be a vast understatement. I offer an experience that is not only compelling and unique, but is a distinct view of the world extending a fascinating rebuttal of the prevailing wisdom. I hope that you will be as optimistic as I am about this exciting opportunity.

At 72,000 words this book is an engaging non-fiction, illustrated narrative account of my awakening as a separate individual culminating in an unusual ten-day trip from Florida to London and Paris. An intriguing journey through the wonders of the mind, “Knickers Abroad” reveals a moving and mysterious process as a middle-aged man slowly discovers the other people living inside him, the strongest being an opinionated, sassy, curious and forthright woman calling herself Dewy Knickers. Her bold voice and desire to connect with other women through her writings is the focus of my personal journal and the source of conflict between what she wants and what she can have.

With his sudden realization that Rose Dewy Knickers is in fact a real woman, despite the resultant inner turmoil and confusion, he never once wavers from his strong convictions. His complete acceptance of my right to exist as a woman in a man’s body allows me the opportunity to live as a separate individual and to seek my destiny wherever it may take me. Everyone will be able to relate to our modern holiday abroad, even with the rather unusual travelers — Brian, an author and poet, Diane his wife of twenty years and Rose, a multiple personality within Brian. The story of three souls in two bodies definitely makes the book different but the informative prose makes it worth publishing.

Piecing together memories with deeply personal stories and poetry gives a raw insight into the life of a multiple personality struggling to discover her place in the world of the supposed normal. My voice is not his, yet existing in his shadow is frequently discouraging when my self-doubts and guilt force a retreat deep inside the darkness. The numerous friends I have met through my blog are my legacy; they continue to support me emotionally and urge me to reach for my dreams. Meeting friends in person showcases the strong and real connections created amongst women worldwide through the cultural phenomenon of blogging and networking. The ability to communicate my personal point of view, especially without a body of my own; that sets this book apart from any other.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and sample chapter and I hope you are as excited about it as I am. I look forward to hearing from you and will be happy to send your agency the complete manuscript and marketing proposal.

Sincerely,

Rose Dewy Knickers

The sun is bright

June 29th, 2008. Florida

Dear Diary #6,

Dragged myself out of my room this weekend and worked on ‘Knickers Abroad’, both a literary agent query letter and the manuscript itself. The letter is done now and after the July 4th holiday I will be sending it out. What’s next is to finish the proposal, since it’s a non-fiction book and contact the agency to make sure the agent targeted is still there. I’m starting at the top, no sense selling myself short, there are five agents on my short list. I’d be happy with any one of the five and they’re all top-notch agents from prominent agencies. I have to admit that reading the published authors listed at my first choice is intimidating, all famous people from all walks of life, but my journal is a good read and deserves the widest audience possible.

Paisley said something yesterday that really hit home, she said ‘I was on the cusp of finding my real purpose in life.’ I hope that’s true, my struggles with depression and fear have been very debilitating and, well, depressing. Perhaps I’m on the upswing, at least for this weekend. I’ve worked too hard on my books to throw everything away.

Rose

xo

All the great ones are taken

Rumor
Shake
Spontaneous

June 25th, 2008. Florida

Dear Diary, #5

It comes as no great surprise to see me back here, like a walrus to the beach, I lumber ashore and act surprised to find I can still breathe. The rumor is that I died, but the truth is more prosaic; I simply stopped living. Others are taking a turn at writing on another blog, a secret blog; I’ve contributed posts as well, but nothing can shake the sadness covering my talent. One of these days I will flare again and with rapid thoughts, write spontaneous words and take joy once more.

Rose

xo

P.S. I know this is a broken theme and I humbly acknowledge my inability to pull free of this depression. If I knew how to fix my broken parts I would, but right now I simply push the shards aimlessly around the floor. Nothing fits anymore, I suppose it was meant to be, but what happened to the girl who liked to have fun? I wish I knew. I wish I cared.

The time to reflect is over

June 13th, 2008 Florida

Dear Diary, Post #4

The word guide is a symbiotic word. In whatever form or tense chosen it implies that the action/s required help of some kind from an external or internal source. Guide also reflects that human beings are born without knowledge and rely on others to teach the skills needed to survive. One such skill is curiosity for without the guidance of experience that desire to explore can become painful if not deadly. As we grow in stature and wisdom that curiosity can become dulled with repetition until the persistence that guided us to the place we thought we wanted becomes a burden that mocks our dreams. The society that trained us and molded our neurons into a reliable guide of mores and customs oftentimes becomes the enemy when we seek for something new. The inner map that is guiding the interactions of daily life can become faulty when new information is added. The world that seemed to be a reliable guide no longer is safe but strange and frightening as the images no longer match our mental landscape. Many of us fall back on our guiding principles and place this new reality into the context of our past actions and take comfort in knowing the changes don’t affect our inner core. But when that core is rotten, when the guide installed is based on faulty facts, then the new incoming material is not absorbed but rather becomes fragmented as the parts that match are accepted and the parts that don’t are rejected. The human mind is adept at guiding our senses to survive not thrive. We may believe that our moral guide is accurate in all ways, but our senses are not passive receptors, but are actively directed by the mind to see only the reality that is programmed to exist. The mind is conservative in the guidance it uses to calculate risk and reward because the overriding objective is to stay alive, thus any course that detracts from that goal is manipulated. That is why habits and patterns are so hard to break because the guide we use has become hardwired into the mind and change is resisted from within. So in the end, we become slaves to our minds rather than the masters and to break those bonds we need a guide. That is why human beings socialize, to be guided to a new reality.

Rose Dewy Knickers

xo