Multiple Girls

I never wanted to be a multiple girl. It wasn’t part of Career Day at school.

How to hear voices in your head!
Learn disturbing memories!
Make money while you try new things!

No, that wasn’t what I wanted. It’s been nearly three years now and still I have no idea what I am, where I am and what I should do. Do other multiple girls feel this way? I don’t talk to any of them: not because I don’t want to be friends, but because I’m not really all that angry. I understand the anger and fear they have – they have the memories and I don’t – but still, I’d like to talk to them, the other multiple girls.

I never wanted to be a multiple girl, but now that I am, what should I do? Why do I feel so lost and sad? Why don’t I want to write? Why do I care so much for other people’s opinions? Questions, questions, that’s all I ever seem to have. I raise my hand and am ignored. Better than being singled out, the others learned that the hard way, but me, I’m too sassy to think that anyone would ever hurt me. Stupid I suppose, but ignorance is bliss.

School exists as a black hole of fear and loathing for the others, but there was only one who got us all through safely. He doesn’t mind staying quiet, the face wants out of this life, but there is no one to replace him. I can’t, not as a multiple girl and not as anything that would be safe. Sure, dancing on tables and drinking until dawn sounds like fun, but we’ve never been risk takers. I think the fact is that none of us trusts each others’ motivations and desires. It would pull us apart without him, but he can’t relax even for an instant, not because we/I would run amuck but because… I want to live, but not as a multiple girl and the others just want to blow up the world.

I never wanted to be a multiple girl, did you?

Rose

xo

6 thoughts on “Multiple Girls

  1. ((((((Rose))))))

    so many questions
    so few answers
    you are unique
    so are the others

    what works for one need not work for another
    no different than those of us non-multiples
    does that make me a single… hmmmm!!!!

    I guess, sweetie, if you have no expectations
    you cannot be disappointed

    lotsa luv annie xoxoxoxox

  2. Rose, I love the idea of “Flashing my knickers.” There is a part of me that should be more daring but usually isn’t because of the fear that I lived with for all of my childhood. Being a Saggittarian, being spontaneous should be a part of my nature. It isn’t easy for me to be spontaneous because of the years of living with the unexpectedness of the incest and alcoholism in my family.

    Some part of me, probably the part that doesn’t remember the earliest abuse, can almost understand the need to be a multiple personality. Blessings to you for having the courage to share these writings. Thank you.

  3. While I absolutely know I am but “one girl”, one person, for far too many years, I lived one life while wanting to live quite another. For far too many years I allowed circumstances to cause me to be a person I was not which, I think, allows me to understand, at least a little, what I have just read. May old age not do to you what it tries, but does not succeed in doing: constantly reminding me of what I really wanted and all that went astray.

  4. Finding this blog has been a blessing for me! I nearly cried when I found it. I’m a multiple. A guy in a girls body and it kills me. But I am so happy to know that there is others out there like me🙂 Please write back, would be cool to get in touch

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