Originally posted by Rose Dewy Knickers on June 4th, 2007.
I was thinking about the difference between victims and survivors this morning. I was also wondering which is worse; having the memories of abuse and rape along with emotional trauma or only having the emotions without the memories? If I remembered how I came to be, if I had the memories of the abuse instead of the constant chaos of emotions, then maybe I would be able to grow up. The others that remember the abuse aren’t sharing. They share emotions instead and some of the few memories that are shared collectively, have a common emotion.
That’s one thing that’s required to move from being a victim to being a survivor. To rid yourself of the shame.
“Shamed No More”
If only I’d been quicker
If only I’d been stronger
If only I’d listened
If only I’d hadn’t worn that
If only I’d not flirted
If only I’d turned back
If only I’d not been naughty
If only I’d not been born
It’s all your fault, the face in the mirror screams at me
No it’s not, I said no!
You’re always the tease, we warned you what would happen
I was just being friendly!
And what happens to girls that are friendly?
No, please. I’ll be good.
Too late, you’re a bad girl and bad girls get punished!
How do you punish yourself then
for something that wasn’t your fault?
Do you drink?
Do you have sex?
Do you take drugs?
Do you cut?
Do you yell? and scream? and fight?
OR DO YOU JUST LAY THERE AND TAKE IT!
Yes, take it like a bad girl, or a bad boy. Yes,
there are boys that have been raped and abused as well.
What if fighting back makes it worse? What if the punishment
becomes more severe,
No means beatings
No means abuse
No means scars
No means death
So yes then,
Yes becomes no
Is this why I love sex?
Is this how my soul was born?
Is this why I crave punishment?
Is this the chaos that became
YES I WILL NO LONGER BE A VICTIM!
Yes, I was raped
Yes, I was burned
Yes, I was beaten
Yes, I was cut
No, I am not a slut
No, I am not a whore
No, I am not your toy to keep hurting and abusing and taking and taking and I will not be your victim anymore.
I, Rose, am a survivor
I, Rose, am a woman
I, Rose, am a soul.
I, Rose, do not feel any shame, no shame for not remembering, no shame for lusting, no shame for loving, no same for being.
There is no shame in being a survivor
There is no shame in casting out your fear
There is no shame in being angry
There is no shame in loving sex
There is no SHAME in me
By Rose Dewy Knickers, 6/4/2007