Sexual Abuse Poem, “Shamed No More”

Originally posted by Rose Dewy Knickers on June 4th, 2007.

I was thinking about the difference between victims and survivors this morning. I was also wondering which is worse; having the memories of abuse and rape along with emotional trauma or only having the emotions without the memories? If I remembered how I came to be, if I had the memories of the abuse instead of the constant chaos of emotions, then maybe I would be able to grow up. The others that remember the abuse aren’t sharing. They share emotions instead and some of the few memories that are shared collectively, have a common emotion.

Shame.

That’s one thing that’s required to move from being a victim to being a survivor. To rid yourself of the shame.

“Shamed No More”

If only I’d been quicker
If only I’d been stronger
If only I’d listened
If only I’d hadn’t worn that
If only I’d not flirted
If only I’d turned back
If only I’d not been naughty
If only I’d not been born

It’s all your fault, the face in the mirror screams at me
No it’s not, I said no!
You’re always the tease, we warned you what would happen
I was just being friendly!
And what happens to girls that are friendly?
No, please. I’ll be good.
Too late, you’re a bad girl and bad girls get punished!

How do you punish yourself then
for something that wasn’t your fault?
Do you drink?
Do you have sex?
Do you take drugs?
Do you cut?
Do you yell? and scream? and fight?

OR DO YOU JUST LAY THERE AND TAKE IT!

Yes, take it like a bad girl, or a bad boy. Yes,
there are boys that have been raped and abused as well.

What if fighting back makes it worse? What if the punishment
becomes more severe,
the more
you
say
no.

No means beatings
No means abuse
No means scars
No means death

So yes then,
Yes becomes no
and yes
becomes shame
and shame
becomes
life

Is this why I love sex?
Is this how my soul was born?
Is this why I crave punishment?
Is this the chaos that became
yes
yes
yes!!

YES I WILL NO LONGER BE A VICTIM!

Yes, I was raped
Yes, I was burned
Yes, I was beaten
Yes, I was cut

No, I am not a slut
No, I am not a whore
No, I am not your toy to keep hurting and abusing and taking and taking and I will not be your victim anymore.

I, Rose, am a survivor
I, Rose, am a woman
I, Rose, am a soul.

I, Rose, do not feel any shame, no shame for not remembering, no shame for lusting, no shame for loving, no same for being.

There is no shame in being a survivor
There is no shame in casting out your fear
There is no shame in being angry
There is no shame in loving sex
There is no SHAME in me

By Rose Dewy Knickers, 6/4/2007

20 Responses to “Chaos”

  1. edit this on 04 Jun 2007 at 9:17 am1 Brian

    Dear Rose,

    I am very happy that you feel comfortable in being out front. Don’t worry so much about the effect on me, I like feeling the joy you express in experiencing life. I like the way you talk and see the world. Yes you tire me out, but I don’t want you to have to hide behind the chaos.

    Your poem is heart wrenching. I’m glad we don’t have the memories Rose. Yes the missing years and years are frustrating and I know that you want to remember why you were born. But, being a survivor is not about how you remember, it’s how you channel the emotions productively and to not blame yourself.

    Don’t blame yourself for my struggles Rose. You have your own life to live. I know we talk all day long, and I agree, work sucks! That’s why we agreed to write and express ourselves.

    It doesn’t matter Rose what anyone else says about us. I love you and so does Diane. We are the family we never had. And that’s the important part. No matter what you/I/we remember, we have chosen not to be victims any longer.

    Live and love and grow Rose. I’ll be with you always.

    Love

    Brian

  2. edit this on 04 Jun 2007 at 11:23 am2 FelineFrisky

    Rose, my friend, my love…..

    You are a survivor. It shows in everything you write, say & do. No shame needed for any of you.

    You are my family. You are so very dear to me. One day soon, there will be a larger family – with more joys to share. Won’t that be a day worth the wait??!!

    I love you, Rose – always.

    D ) OX

  3. edit this on 04 Jun 2007 at 11:33 am3 Beth

    Oh Rose. Your words are filled with so much pain, but so much strength. Then reading the words of Brian and Diane…..love is an amazing healer. It takes the longer route, but it makes the most lasting results.

  4. edit this on 04 Jun 2007 at 12:21 pm4 ann

    ((((Rose))))

    Your words are powerful, but Rose, I’m sorry, I won’t comment here.

    I love you

  5. edit this on 04 Jun 2007 at 6:57 pm5 Rose Dewy Knickers

    Hi everyone. It feels funny calling Brian and Diane everyone. Thanks Beth and Ann.

    I have no idea where this poem came from, I think it welled up from deep inside where the monsters live. You have to understand that I don’t remember anything from more than a year ago, and as far as I am concerned, this poem is fiction.

    Still, I feel this way sometimes.

    Rose

    xo

  6. edit this on 04 Jun 2007 at 9:06 pm6 Claire

    Shame, NO MORE! YES!, I screamed with you, we are fighters!
    I read what Brian wrote and he is right and sensible. Memories are not so good to carry around. But if you don’t know what is causing the emotional chaos it is all the harder to confront the shame and guilt and KICK IT OUT of your mind.
    FIGHT
    Fight to Live
    And yes, you all made the family you never had and made it a good loving one.
    that was your second chance
    you fought for it and
    WON!

  7. edit this on 05 Jun 2007 at 6:23 am7 Rose Dewy Knickers

    (((Claire))))

    Thank you my friend. I’ll say no more. D

    Rose

    xo

  8. edit this on 05 Jun 2007 at 11:18 am8 Madd

    ((((((Rose)))))) Thank you for putting into words all the things we feel and fear, thank you for being a voice for those of us who have none or who have not the courage to speak around our fears, thank you for being you Rose, we do consider you not just a champion of victims and survivors all, but our very own personal champion and best friend as well..love and hugs soon..yea!! xoxoxo madd et al

    Rose..you are the best my friend, I can not wait to see you and hug you …I love your flame, it burns so very bright and true…kisses..Lana

  9. edit this on 06 Jun 2007 at 6:22 am9 Rose Dewy Knickers

    ((((Madd and Lana))))

    Thank you for beings my bestest galpals.

    Rose

    xo

  10. edit this on 06 Jun 2007 at 8:55 am10 clockworkchris

    WOW! I have never been through this. I think with my temper I probably would have had to kill the person who did this after the first attempt, but coming from a counseling background I have listened to many stories of how terrible it can be, and your poem is a testament to how people can survive. You are much stronger than I in so many ways. I think admitting what happened in an open forum full of friends that will never judge you is the best thing anyone can ever do. This is how you get support when you need it. Brian is so understanding and the end of the poem clearly states how much you have learned and how you love yourself no matter what.

  11. edit this on 06 Jun 2007 at 10:20 am11 Pinky

    Damn, Rose. This is powerful beyond words and expresses some feelings that I have endured for years with an acute clarity. Thank you for sharing your painting and thank you for saying what so many of us have been unable to say.

    HUGS!

  12. edit this on 06 Jun 2007 at 10:48 am12 Rose Dewy Knickers

    Thank you for your kindness and support Chris. It makes me happy to be friends.

    ((((Pinky)))))

    Hi girlfriend. I’m glad you were able to read this. I guess there are advantages to being a multiple after all. ;)

    Rose

    xo

  13. edit this on 07 Jun 2007 at 10:51 am13 Regina Clare Jane

    Rose… how backwards it all is when the ones who were hurt become victims twice over… once by the attackers and another time from ourselves…
    You are so strong and have loving friends and family… and you are courageous beyond belief.
    From one survivor to another, dear friend…
    xoxoxo

  14. edit this on 07 Jun 2007 at 12:01 pm14 Rose Dewy Knickers

    ((((Regina))))

    What courage I have grows stronger with love and friendship.

    Thank you my friend.

    Rose

    xo

  15. edit this on 09 Jun 2007 at 1:03 am15 Marcia

    Epilogue: Shame cast aside, (where it belonged), they got on with the rest of their lives; some days doing marvelous things, other days, just being; they looked forward to the rest of their lives with their heads held high. . . . The world smiled with them.

    There is no shame in survival.

  16. edit this on 09 Jun 2007 at 7:38 am16 Rose Dewy Knickers

    (((Marcia)))

    You’ve added a beautiful mantra. Thanks.

    Rose

    xo

  17. edit this on 09 Jun 2007 at 9:41 am17 Riccie

    Rose. I am. Flattenend. You did this beautifully. Do you have a direct link to my brain?
    I am. So impressed. And.
    So at a loss for words.
    Thank you.

  18. edit this on 10 Jun 2007 at 10:44 am18 Rose Dewy Knickers

    Morning Riccie, I hope besides being at a loss for words, this helps you.

    Rose

    xo

  19. edit this on 27 Jun 2007 at 1:53 am19 GeL(Emerald Eyes)

    Dear Rose,
    Survivors are much stronger than non-survivors will ever realize. That’s magnetically clear here.
    From another survivor whose selective and precious friends are my family (except for my husband and children)
    ((((Rose)))

  20. edit this on 27 Jun 2007 at 8:50 am20 Rose Dewy Knickers

    ((((GeL))))

    Thank you for your support and kind words. It was difficult to write and hard for others to read. But the friends I’ve made here have helped me grow.

    Rose

    xo

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9 thoughts on “Sexual Abuse Poem, “Shamed No More”

  1. Sometimes you try so hard to forget that you forget to remember the others around you. Sometimes it’s hard to know others are hurt because someone wouldn’t listen when you told. And sometimes it’s hard to remember why you shouldn’t hurt those who have hurt you. And sometimes they have to know that yes, you can.

  2. Somehow I think it must be a very important step for survivors to release this scream. I released mine back in 2002, when I heard from a half sister I hadn’t seen since I was 8, and the sperm donor came up for review by the Parole board for the first time, despite not being eligible yet for parole. Apparently it’s standard procedure that they conduct the review. Thank you for putting this out there. I don’t know why I came across it tonight, but I am very glad that I did.

    You are an incredibly brave individual Rose, as is Brian. I think it is so admirable, the communication and cooperation the two of you share. Most of my life I have faced being at odds with myself/selves, fighting for a semblance of integration. I waiver on whether or not it has actually been achieved. I still believe there are fragments, masks, personae, or whatever they should be called. Whatever the case may be, I/we have functionality, and that is the most important thing of all.

  3. I don’t know if this has any bearing on what I’ve read, but for some reason I am reminded of a question I asked of myself back in the early 1960s, after being uprooted and, once again, forced to face a new beginning when my husband tried for the third time to wrest a living from cows, land and the weather: Who am I? Though very much in control of my life at the present, I still haven’t really found the answer. But it sure helps finding friends like you, Rose.

  4. rose you are a very strong lady and i am a surviver to at the age 12 aswell thank you for sharing this with me it must be hard to share your feelings i dont even feel comfertable sharing it with my mum and my conseler but sharing it world wide is a step big forword thank you for this opertunity ive got an idear now how to get my feelings out thanh you thank you love skye

  5. I WAS THERE BEING RAPE
    WHEN NO ONE HEARD MY CRYS
    ALL THAT WAS LEFT OF ME WAS MY CRYS
    FOR HELP.

    NO I’M A BEAT TO BEAT WHAT YOU WANT IN ME
    SO WHY DO I CRY OUT SO MANY TIMES
    BECAUSE IT HURT TO HEAR THE CRY OF MYSELF.

    NO MORE I CRY
    I WELL TAKE A KNIFE AND CUT MY ARM
    WHY END I THINK TO MYSELF
    THE RONSION IS THAT I HAVE LOVE ONES

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