June 29th, 2008. Florida
Dear Diary #6,
Dragged myself out of my room this weekend and worked on ‘Knickers Abroad’, both a literary agent query letter and the manuscript itself. The letter is done now and after the July 4th holiday I will be sending it out. What’s next is to finish the proposal, since it’s a non-fiction book and contact the agency to make sure the agent targeted is still there. I’m starting at the top, no sense selling myself short, there are five agents on my short list. I’d be happy with any one of the five and they’re all top-notch agents from prominent agencies. I have to admit that reading the published authors listed at my first choice is intimidating, all famous people from all walks of life, but my journal is a good read and deserves the widest audience possible.
Paisley said something yesterday that really hit home, she said ‘I was on the cusp of finding my real purpose in life.’ I hope that’s true, my struggles with depression and fear have been very debilitating and, well, depressing. Perhaps I’m on the upswing, at least for this weekend. I’ve worked too hard on my books to throw everything away.
June 25th, 2008. Florida
Dear Diary, #5
It comes as no great surprise to see me back here, like a walrus to the beach, I lumber ashore and act surprised to find I can still breathe. The rumor is that I died, but the truth is more prosaic; I simply stopped living. Others are taking a turn at writing on another blog, a secret blog; I’ve contributed posts as well, but nothing can shake the sadness covering my talent. One of these days I will flare again and with rapid thoughts, write spontaneous words and take joy once more.
P.S. I know this is a broken theme and I humbly acknowledge my inability to pull free of this depression. If I knew how to fix my broken parts I would, but right now I simply push the shards aimlessly around the floor. Nothing fits anymore, I suppose it was meant to be, but what happened to the girl who liked to have fun? I wish I knew. I wish I cared.
June 13th, 2008 Florida
Dear Diary, Post #4
The word guide is a symbiotic word. In whatever form or tense chosen it implies that the action/s required help of some kind from an external or internal source. Guide also reflects that human beings are born without knowledge and rely on others to teach the skills needed to survive. One such skill is curiosity for without the guidance of experience that desire to explore can become painful if not deadly. As we grow in stature and wisdom that curiosity can become dulled with repetition until the persistence that guided us to the place we thought we wanted becomes a burden that mocks our dreams. The society that trained us and molded our neurons into a reliable guide of mores and customs oftentimes becomes the enemy when we seek for something new. The inner map that is guiding the interactions of daily life can become faulty when new information is added. The world that seemed to be a reliable guide no longer is safe but strange and frightening as the images no longer match our mental landscape. Many of us fall back on our guiding principles and place this new reality into the context of our past actions and take comfort in knowing the changes don’t affect our inner core. But when that core is rotten, when the guide installed is based on faulty facts, then the new incoming material is not absorbed but rather becomes fragmented as the parts that match are accepted and the parts that don’t are rejected. The human mind is adept at guiding our senses to survive not thrive. We may believe that our moral guide is accurate in all ways, but our senses are not passive receptors, but are actively directed by the mind to see only the reality that is programmed to exist. The mind is conservative in the guidance it uses to calculate risk and reward because the overriding objective is to stay alive, thus any course that detracts from that goal is manipulated. That is why habits and patterns are so hard to break because the guide we use has become hardwired into the mind and change is resisted from within. So in the end, we become slaves to our minds rather than the masters and to break those bonds we need a guide. That is why human beings socialize, to be guided to a new reality.
Rose Dewy Knickers